Duct tape, rope and tomato sauce
by IamHamster
Summary: HANNAH" i screamed in over enthusiastic excitment "I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!". what happens when you mix the cullen men with tomato sauce? why don't we find out? RXR rated T for laguage and implications
1. the idea

This is a conversation me and my good friend had.

We were bored as per usual. Hannah was typing loudly on her laptop while I lounged lazily on my make-shift bed. I let out a long sigh and Hannah turned to look at me. She gave me a stern look, as to tell me to shut up. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking; there had never been a place as boring as Northampton and there never will be. Hannah's maniacal laughter distracted me from my boredom and I turned to face her. She was having a spaz attack while watching one of her favourite scenes from the amazing new twilight film. We had seen the film twice the week before but Hannah was watching it again on the internet. I stared at the laptop screen, watching Emmett as he waved at Bella, knife still clutched in his hand - he looked like a murderous lunatic (though not as much as Hannah who was still laughing uncontrollably). My eyes darted to Carlisle's beautiful face as he left his cooking to greet Bella. Then at that moment, looking at Carlisle's indescribable beauty and the Italian food that had been left on the hob I had a fantastic and brilliant idea.

"HANNAH" I screamed in overenthusiastic excitement "I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!" I shouted.

"What?" she replied, her laughing had subsided but her eyes were still stuck to the screen.

"We are going to go to forks…"

"Yeah…"

"…kidnap Carlisle…"

"Oh dear lord"

"…pour Italiano on him…"

"You're _insane_"

"…And eat it of his naked back!" I almost shouted this last part of my plan, so eager I was.

"You're a luna-….why his back? Why not his front?" she protested suddenly.

"I don't know." I shrugged my shoulders. "I thought eating it from his front would be rude!" I replied, awestruck.

"So you're going to _strip him naked_ and pour food on him but you think eating from his front is _rude_?!" She looked at me, incredulous. Her eyes were wide, I could almost hear the cogs in her strange head turning.

"Yeah" I looked back to the screen and gasped in delight as the wonderful, amazing, hot and _absolutely gorgeous_ Jasper Hale sauntered casually across the screen. I had a sudden brainwave. "We should do it to jasper too" I added excitedly.

"And Edward and Emmett" Hannah suggested, throwing her arms in the air, her voice thick with sarcasm.

"And, hey, why not Jacob and James too, while we're at it?"

Hannah stared at me. I could tell that she thought I was joking, so I stared back, meaningful. She finally got to grips with the fact that I was deadly serious.

"I like this idea, so what are we going to do?" She looked at me, expectantly.

"Well you can kidnap and 'take care of' the Cullen family," I said, my fingers making quotations marks in the air, "while I go to Tesco to get supplies. I'll get rid of Bella on my way and on the way home, kidnap Jacob and James. I will then meet you at the house, we will make Italiano and then we shall put our plan into action"

"Ok, we will need rope, duct tape and tomato sauce..." Hannah pondered, meeting my outstretch palm with hers, high five-ing me.

"This is going to be great" I said rubbing my hands together menacingly, while Hannah turned back to the film.

She burst into roars of familiar laughter. I turned to see what it was that had set her off. She had rewinded the film to watch Emmett and the knife again. And she thought _I _was crazy?


	2. Airport of terrors

I was the last to haul my bag into the storage compartment on the airport bus. My bright yellow suitcase stood out like a sore thumb among the other dull colours. Hannah was sitting in the only available seat with her suitcase in front of her. It looked like she'd packed for a year, the size of the thing. It was black but Hannah being Hannah had decorated it with sayings from twilight and The Killers lyrics and logo's. I grabbed hold of the cold bar in front of me as the bus shuddered to life. My balance was a bit off. I was swinging on the bar in front of me like a pole dancer but I was less alluring and less graceful. The bus stopped suddenly and I swung landing on a weird man's lap. Hannah burst out laughing as the stranger gasped in horror at the fourteen year old girl that was sitting on his lap. I apologized quickly and got up. The rest of the journey was pretty much the same. I knocked and old lady off her seat with my bum and I tripped over a suitcase. I was grateful when the trip was over and we were finally at Gatwick airport. We pulled Hannah's suitcase off the bus with difficulty before heading through the glass automatic doors. There were loads of people hurrying to get to there check in desks with there suitcases trailing along behind them. "Enjoy your journey?" Hannah asked holding back a giggle.

"You're standing up next time I'll tell you that" I grumbled "So where do we need to be?" I asked.

"Well at the desk in front of you that says 'Port Angeles, Washington'" she said pointing at the young woman yawning behind the empty desk.

"Ahh" I said quietly. We pulled our luggage over to the bored looking woman who checked our tickets and passports. She stared at my passport for two minuets looking up at me ever few seconds, before finally returning it to me. She slapped stickers around the handles of our beloved suitcases and sighed "Your departing from terminal 5" she said pointing to a herd of people battling there way up some escalators. "This will be fun" Hannah whispered sarcastically in my ear. We walked to the edge of the crowd of people and looked for a gap for us to squeeze through. I turned to Hannah "Looks like were going to have to fight our way through, hold on my backpack" I said turning back. I felt Hannah's hand grasp my backpack and I stepped into the crowd of people. "Excuse me … Pardon us … can we just squeeze through … move out the way kid … thanks … OMG THAT KID JUST BIT ME!" I screamed covering against the side of the escalator, pointing at the devil child who had just taken a chunk out of my left arm. Hannah put her arm round my shoulder as '_its' _mother pulled him away from me, apologizing as she did it. I rubbed my arm not taking my eyes of the child. "GEORGIA!" screamed Hannah, but unfortunately it was too late and I had already tripped over the top of the escalator causing ever person unfortunate enough to be behind me to pile on top of me.

Hannah sat down beside me, handing me the starbucks smoothie. I quickly pressed it to my thumping head and let out a satisfied 'ahhh'. "Thank you" I said staring at my weird friend sucking contently at her own smoothie. After causing a thirteen person pile up Hannah had plucked me quickly from under the mass of squirming bodies and ushered me to the departure lounge. "I think someone put their foot in my mouth" I said rubbing my aching jaw. There was a strange pinging sort of noise and Hannah turned her head suddenly to face the direction the noise was coming from. "OHMYGOSH!" she screamed excitedly before running off into the arcade. I shrugged and picked up my backpack and over the shoulder bag and speedily ran to find my missing friend. The flashing lights were coming from all different directions blinding me at every turn, causing me to crash against the machines in a confused daze. I looked every where but I couldn't find Hannah. I pulled out my purse and flicked through my pictures. "Edward, Edward, Jasper, Edward, Carlisle, My dog, Ahhh, Hannah" I said triumphantly holding out the picture of me and Hannah at the conkers adventure/nature centre. I ran up to the nearest person and rubbed the photo in his face, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MANIAC!" I shouted pulling back the photo and pointing to Hannah. The young boy had black hair and emerald green eyes. He coked his eyebrow and shook his head, dumb struck at being attacked by a dazed teen lunatic rubbing a photo in his face. I grunted impatiently and continued on; interrogating every person I came across. Then, after forty five minuets of endless searching I found her. Her eyes were gleaming with excitement as she slid another coin into the machine. She was trying desperately to win herself a HUGE poster of the amazing Robert Pattinson. "Hannah" I said grabbing her arm and trying to pull her away from the machine, "you have to stop this madness!" She giggled before sliding another coin into the machine. "FOR GODS SAKE WOMAN PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!" I said slapping her upside her head. She shook it off and looked at me with a sad expression. "I'm never going to win it" she said sadly.

"It's ok Hannah you're in a safe place now with people who love you"

I lead her slowly out of the arcade and sat her down in a free chair. "Would you like anything?" I asked.

"Can I have some rocky road?" she asked with puppy dog eyes.

"Ok, I'll buy it" I offered.

"That would be nice because I have no money" she said smiling innocently. My jaw fell open. "What none at all?" I asked, panic rising.

"Well I have 50p" she said as my jaw fell open wider.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME WE ONLY HAVE £30.50 TO GET US PRINGLES AND COKE ON THE PLANE, A TAXI TO FORKS AND THE INGREDIENTS AND SUPPLIES FOR OUR PLAN!!" I screamed in shocked rage. Hannah nodded. "Ok, well I'll go get the rocky road then" I said in defeat. I spent ages looking high and low for Hannah's bloody rocky road until I finally found a Thornton's that sold it. I returned to Hannah and shoved the chocolate into her eager hands. She ripped the packaging off it with her teeth like a wild beast and began devouring it. Bye bye chocolate. I looked over at the board that showed when planes were leaving and gasped in horror. "HANNAH OUR PLANE LEAVES IN TWO MINUETS" I shouted waving my arms in the air. I must have looked like a bird about to take flight. Hannah's mouth fell open revealing a lovely array of chewed rocky road. We grabbed our bags and sprinted down the terminal, jumping over suitcases and small children as we did so. I was running as fast as I could, I turned around to see where Hannah was and then felt something hard and warm collide with my legs. I went flying and went skidding down the terminal on my stomach. Hannah pulled me to my feet and we were off again. I looked back and revealed I had tripped over a small child sitting randomly in the middle of the floor. We carried on running hoping we were not too late.


	3. monsters on a plane

**I don't own twilight. But if I did wouldn't that be great.**** I want remind you I share this story with my good friend so please check out her side of the story guys its really good. Thanks.**

I closed my eyes, I was panting from the journey through the airport. We had barely made it but at least I could finally relax on the plane. Hannah was panting too.

After a while she closed her eyes and drifted into a blissful sleep. I was looking around at all the people settling down to have a good sleep. The pilot's voice echoed throughout the plane, we could take off our seatbelts now. And then only twelve mind numbingly boring hours until mine and Hannah's adventure truly began. After about half an hour of being in the air the screen above our heads dropped on and I gasped in horror at the featured film, maybe this flight wasn't going to be so bad after all. My eyes were glued to the screen, I contemplated waking Hannah to tell her Twilight was on but I didn't want to face the wrath of a sleep deprived Hannah. So I watched blissfully for a few more minutes before the beast awoke. I didn't look at her but I wish I had. I must have leapt at least ten feet in the air when Hannah screamed "PUT YOUR GOGGLES ON!" in my ear. Hannah doubled over with hysterical laughter as I removed my headphones. "Damn that rocky road, damn it to the pits of fiery hell!" I cursed. I noticed a large amount of people glaring at Hannah. I turned back to the film but Hannah (the maniac she is) was still laughing. A tall blonde stewardess walked gracefully over to me, she carefully leant over me "Excuse me miss, but would you mind quieting down a bit, I think you're beginning to disturb the other passengers" she said to Hannah. Hannah shut up after that but I could tell she was fighting to keep it in. She was practically bouncing up and down in her seat.

About an hour later and I had drifted off to sleep. I was dreaming. Falling, again. But it was like I was watching myself fall; I was close to hitting the water below now but I was woken by a force pushing me awake. "Georgia, I need the toilet. Let me out would you?!" said the purple fuzzy monster that was sitting next to me. I don't think I was fully awake yet. "Whu…whaddyawanannah?" was all I could choke out. The monster huffed and green flames spurted from her nostrils. "I want the loo Georgia and I want you to move" she roared. Some of the other creatures glared at her with their scary red eyes. The monsters eyes also turned red as she glared back and then looked back at me. "So move so I can get OUT!" she nearly shouted. The monster shoved me and I flopped weakly to the floor. The monster got up from her seat and began to move towards me, I was too tired and besides I was dreaming so nothing could hurt me. The thing tripped falling on me and in turn expelling all the air from my lungs with a sort of whoosh. I woke up fully now and realised the monster was in fact Hannah. I started to giggle as did Hannah. Hannah was looking up a rather large man that looked down in disapproval. "Han…han…Hannah! Get…get up!" I laughed. Hannah got up and walked off to the loo.

I got up of the floor and rummaged through my over the shoulder bag that was now named my 'plan bag'. I pulled out my faithful notepad and pen and began chewing the end of it in thought. I closed my eyes to help me think "C'mon Georgia, stop pretending to be Alice already" said a familiar voice, "And lets get on with this plan" I looked up at her, unamused and then grinned.

"Let's do this thing" I said enthusiastically.

We plotted and schemed for a long while after, jotting notes about how to deal with each Cullen down roughly on the paper. We decided to sleep and regain our strength. We turned on our iPod's and one after the other we drifted off.

Hannah nudged me and I awoke with a start. The sun was just beginning to rise and the sky was a pinky, orange. Beautiful. "Georgia, get your seatbelt on, the show is about to begin." She grinned at me and I smiled weakly back. We were here. Let the fun being, I thought. A small smirk swept across my tired face.


	4. Mikey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Mike Newton but if I did he would be my slave. I share this story with so please check out her side of the story too guys its really good, also please review so I know what to write next, thanks!**

We managed to get off the plane quicker that I had expected. "Forks, here we COME!" I shouted exchanging a satisfactory high five with Hannah. I think we scared an old man shuffling along next us because he brandished his walking stick at us and muttered "Ruddy young-uns" under his breath. I could barely contain my laughter but luckily Hannah ushered me away until we were far enough away for us to let it out without him detecting it. "So, what now?" I asked. Hannah's muscles tensed and she stared at me with a look of disbelief and horror.

"I…I thought _you_ were making the travel arrangements?!" she stuttered. I stared at her as the words sank in. I was shocked. How could I have forgotten this! I am so stupid. "So we have nowhere to stay and no way of getting to Forks?" I asked. Hannah looked at me like I was a dribbling idiot, ok I admit I'm an idiot but I'm sure I wasn't dribbling, I quickly wiped my mouth just to be sure anyway.

"Ye…yeah" she mumbled. Then I started to freak.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" I screamed in her face. She winced. "WE ARE THOUSANDS OS FRIGGIN' MILES AWAY FROM HOME AND HAVE BARELY ANY MONEY. _I WANT TO EAT ITALIANO OFF CARLISLE!" _I don't think I could have shouted louder. Every one was gathering to watch my freak out. Hannah pressed her hands to either side of my face and then spoke "Georgia, listen. We will be fine. We will think of something and everything will be okay. Now, breathe, in and out, in and out. That's it, there we go." She said reassuringly. I had calmed now. She grabbed a hold of me and steered me to a table and chairs. Once I was seated safely she retrieved our bags. My eyes were darting around analysing everything in the area. I spoke. "Okay, Hannah. We'll have to think of something soon though, I need a shower, I stink." I finished and smelt myself. It was nasty. Hannah smelt to but I though it was rude to tell her. We looked bad, tired and unkempt. How wonderful.

Hannah lead me through the jungle of an airport, I though port Angeles airport would be small, oh how wrong I was. Hannah walked me over to some notice boards. She read some posters contently. There was a small, simple poster pinned to the wall. "OHMYSEXYCARLISLE!" I screamed, "Hannah! This is it!" I said fiercely jabbing my finger to the advertisement. It was advertisement for a band to play in Port Angeles La Bella Italia. There was a number at the bottom. "Hannah, I have a plan" I said smiling evilly.

It was about two hours later and everything was ready. We had called mike, pretending to be a band so we could get free travel to forks. I wanted to tie him and put him in the trunk of his car but Hannah had been against that. Humph. He said he would be near starbucks with a red rucksack. We were walking around for ages until we finally found it. Hallelujah. We looked around searching for the red backpack and to my dismay there were two men with red backpacks. Oh well might as well get it over with. I walked confidently up to the better looking of the two. He was good looking, not my type though, I only have eyes for the Cullen's, Hannah on the other hand seemed to be swooning over this random bloke. "Are you Mike?" I said bluntly.

"No" he snapped. He snapped…at me! You my friend are on my list I said mentally. "What would it matter if I was?" what a bastard. I didn't like him already, I was glad he wasn't mike.

"Well, were looking for him, that's all" I said back, trying to put as much poison in my words as possible. I stuck my tongue out at him and gave it a wiggle before returning it to safety of my mouth. I grabbed Hannah's hand and stormed of to the other guy. "I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transylvaniurr, ha ha!" Mike sang. Dear lord I don't know what's worse, the stuck up jerk or the Transylvanian transvestite. He was doing a dance that looked like he was getting intimate with the air. His iPod was the cause of this perculiar behaviour. I couldn't take it anymore. I tapped him on the arm and he turned, he was embarrassed. Who wouldn't be with _those _dance moves. "That stays between us" he said.

"You're Mike right?" I asked.

"Yeah, and you're…The Singing Psychos, am I right?" he asked pointing at us. I had a mental giggle as he said our 'Band name' ha. We nodded our heads. "Where are your instruments?" He asked, a confused expression playing on his face. Holy crap.

"Uhh…w…we sing acapella" I stammered, well done me for the quick thinking I smiled to myself. he looked suspicious.

"Well, Georgia here usually sings acapella," Hannah said waving her hand at me "but for this event, I've organised a CD of backing tracks to be played while we sing." Hmm that made more sense I though, then shock hit me. WOW Hannah lied really well, it was normally me who had to think up of lies. I was so proud. Mike clapped his hands once. "Great! Well I suppose we'd best get going if we're going to make it home in time! I live in Forks and the restaurant is just round the corner from here but I'm guessing you're going to want to clean up" he said, looking us up and down. Well we did smell.

"Yes please" Hannah said smiling at him. We followed mike out of the building chatting about ourselves. I ended up telling mike about my dog Jazz. As I was walking along Hannah shouted "GEOR…" but it was to late I had already slipped on a bottle cap falling on my bum, spraying coke all over Hannah and Mike's shoes, as well as my bum. "Damn coke, I still haven't gotten revenge from the last time" I mumbled. Nosey by-standers were coming over to look at the fool who slipped so Hannah grabbed me and led me out.

I talked to Mike on the way to his house, about the Cullen's. he showed a certain…disliking to the Cullen's to say the least. He told me where things where like the WallMart. I was still in shock that they didn't have Tesco in Port Angeles. It was very green outside. Nice. We got out the car and Hannah pulled me off to whisper in my ear. "What now?" she hissed. Ahh, a snag in the plan. Hmm I could tell him im allergic to pasta and I forgot that the restaurant served it. I decided the easiest way to do this was to peg it.

"We make a run for it" I whispered.

"Right here we go" she said. We hauled the suitcases out of the car with difficulty. This was it. Time to leave. Me and Hannah shuffled awkwardly, positioning the suitcases so we could get away easily. i turned to mike "Thanks for the ride mate; we'll be off now. So long, sucker!" I shouted. "HANNAH RUN!" I screamed. I know it was harsh but I couldn't help myself from shouting so long sucker. We were running now. Out suitcases trailing behind us. Mike was frozen to the spot where he stood. We continued running for as long as we could, not noting where we were until we collapsed in a giggling heap on the floor. Then I noticed a red Chevrolet truck coming round the corner. Me and Hannah looked at each other smiling. "I TOLD YOU THEY WERE REAL" I shouted. I knew Hannah doubted that they were real. "Okay, Okay! I guess you we're right. That doesn't change the fact that we have no idea where we are or where Jasper is. We don't even know where they _live_ for God's sake. So what do we do now?" she asked.

"I heard someone say my name. Now what are you to beautiful ladies doing here, getting all dirty on the floor?" my heart skipped a beat. I would know that southern accent anywhere even if it had been in a book. He was stunning, even more that I could have possibly imagined, and his eyes were a liquid topaz, at least he wouldn't eat us. I was speechless. He was utterly amazing. Me and Hannah must have looked like a right pair of loons. Sitting on the floor staring at this indescribably beautiful man. I snapped out of it. "Hannah, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked turning to look at her.

"Hell yeas" she replied.

"GET HIM!" we screamed together before pouncing.

**Well here it is. Please please please review!!!**


End file.
